第114号

i want to run away. i need to run away. i just have to get out of here before i lose myself. damn it. i want to run away to some cafe by the beach where no one knows me and work there… start a new life… now. NOW! the time is now!

i don’t know what is happening to me. i feel kind of wasted and maybe i should really literally get wasted. there was this one question posted long ago that seeks to know if you are willing to give up all your memories for one wish to be granted. i’ve been pondering over this question over the years. since secondary school. and till now i’ve been thinking about the same thing. i guess that means there’s a strong likelihood  i will give it a try. i don’t know what to say to people when they ask me how could i give up those memories between us for one wish. i have no idea what the reply should be. seriously. none at all. i just need to run away. escapism? yes i think it is. but that’s all i need now.

sarah said this is a mid-adulthood crisis and she feels the same. hahaha! yes i know you feel the same sarah… given that you are playing fishville when it is in the midst of exams. fyi, i am not anywhere better. but after engaging in all these mindless activities we got desensitized and no other forms of entertainment works for us anymore.

i just need to run. run away now.

第113号

i am waiting.

waiting for all of this to be over.

waiting for someone i can trust to hold my hand and tell me everything will be fine.

i am waiting.

第112号

escapism + utopia + lala land  =  esclapia

i really like this new word.

第111号

I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me.
I played pretend between the trees, and fed my houseguests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest swing.
I had a dream.

Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I’m supposed to be.
The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest tree.
I had a dream.

Now I’m old and feeling grey. I don’t know what’s left to say about this life I’m willing to leave.
I lived it full and I lived it well, there’s many tales I’ve lived to tell. I’m ready now, I’m ready now, I’m ready now to fly from the highest wing.

I had a dream

第110号

i think bill gates make quite a good boss.

“An Open Letter to Hobbyists

To me, the most critical thing in the hobby market right now is the lack of good software courses, books and software itself. Without good software and an owner who understands programming, a hobby computer is wasted. Will quality software be written for the hobby market?Almost a year ago, Paul Allen and myself, expecting the hobby market to expand, hired Monte Davidoff and developed Altair BASIC. Though the initial work took only two months, the three of us have spent most of the last year documenting, improving and adding features to BASIC. Now we have 4K, 8K, EXTENDED, ROM and DISK BASIC. The value of the computer time we have used exceeds $40,000.The feedback we have gotten from the hundreds of people who say they are using BASIC has all been positive. Two surprising things are apparent, however, 1) Most of these “users” never bought BASIC (less than 10% of all Altair owners have bought BASIC), and 2) The amount of royalties we have received from sales to hobbyists makes the time spent on Altair BASIC worth less than $2 an hour.Why is this? As the majority of hobbyists must be aware, most of you steal your software. Hardware must be paid for, but software is something to share. Who cares if the people who worked on it get paid?

 

Is this fair? One thing you don’t do by stealing software is get back at MITS for some problem you may have had. MITS doesn’t make money selling software. The royalty paid to us, the manual, the tape and the overhead make it a break-even operation. One thing you do do is prevent good software from being written. Who can afford to do professional work for nothing? What hobbyist can put 3-man years into programming, finding all bugs, documenting his product and distribute for free? The fact is, no one besides us has invested a lot of money in hobby software. We have written 6800 BASIC, and are writing 8080 APL and 6800 APL, but there is very little incentive to make this software available to hobbyists. Most directly, the thing you do is theft.

What about the guys who re-sell Altair BASIC, aren’t they making money on hobby software? Yes, but those who have been reported to us may lose in the end. They are the ones who give hobbyists a bad name, and should be kicked out of any club meeting they show up at.

I would appreciate letters from any one who wants to pay up, or has a suggestion or comment. Just write to me at 1180 Alvarado SE, #114, Albuquerque, New Mexico, 87108. Nothing would please me more than being able to hire ten programmers and deluge the hobby market with good software.

Bill Gates

General Partner, Micro-Soft “

第109号

i love donuts. not those weirdly flavoured donuts from donuts factory or any other similar donuts chain outlets. those are disgusting. they try to be innovative and come up with all sorts of flavours only to lose their customers after they get bored with these innovation.

donuts should be simple. like the good old days when it’s just baked and coated with sugar. i love those normal and simple donuts that i can find in normal bakeries. they are not the key selling product in that bakery but it has to be there for a bakery to be called a bakery.

i love normal donuts. especially those tiny small round ones that are coated with lots and lots of sugar. it kind of brightens my day up a little.

i love normal sugar coated donuts. and i just had them. it works. my day got brighter a bit. go eat one today. try it. it may brighten up your day too.

第108号

i am going to snap i am going to snap i am going to snap i am going to snap i am going to snap i am going to snap i am go……

okay i snapped. at someone important to me today. it’s always that case because when you are all down and emo and wants to be alone and are sending out negative and dangerous vibes, signalling people to stay away from you because you need your personal time but deep down you need someone to talk to, only people really close to you get that deep down feeling and took a daring step into the boundary you declared murderous but only to be snapped at. damn it. it sucks. i suck. i should know better than to let my emotions take control of me.

i read the world news online today. and all my fears and worries seem so minute so insignificant. after years, Lebanon and Israel are still bombing each other. there are people dying every minute every second because of these random bombings all over the world, just not in Singapore. i should be glad and thankful that at least i am not born in Pakistan. if not there’s a likelihood of me walking down that bustling market street this afternoon and be bombed by this huge car bomb because Clinton visited the country instead of sitting comfortably in an air-conditioned room listening to Tim Clark talking about guerilla marketing. but this grateful feeling didn’t last long. because according the Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, after humans settled their basic physiological and safety needs, they move on to think about achieving esteem and self-actualisation. so like a typical human, i started thinking about my projects and internship after a few minutes of silence for people who died a few hours ago and appreciating what i have in life.

having said that, it’s time to go back to the remaining three assignments due this week. life is kind of bad even without the bombings.

第107号

today is the first day after three years that i brought my calculator to school. it’s weird and upsetting to realise that being a ex-science student, i can’t really do math anymore. it used to be a luxury to use my status as a communication studies student as an excuse to avoid math questions. but now i feel insulted that my professor has to ask the class what’s 50% in decimals? it is this kind of stupid questions that make you doubt yourself sometimes. “it’s 0.50 right? isn’t it 0.50?” (some whispering and the professor finally revealed the answer. “it’s 0.50. good. so what’s 25%?” argh. this is media planning strategy. i understand that some calculations are involved. but to go to the extent of asking that sort of questions? it is just… “argh… i got an A for math okay” kind of feeling. and it is not the professor’s fault. it is more like the students. they are at fault for giving him this blank look when he ask them to do simple multiplication. some people may not understand why the use of those figures hence the blank look. that i understand cause i myself don’t get it sometimes. but the “sir i can’t do math because i am a arts student” thing? it’s just crap to me. other than being stereotyped as a math retard, i am more upset with myself for not understanding the formulae and steps involved in solving the questions. and i realise i kind of miss math. when everything is so direct and end with such certainty. there is no room for subjectivity. there is only one answer. you are either right or wrong. world then was a much better place – when black and white were so clear cut.

第106号

i have zero motivation to do work. hence no intention to attend classes. but i can’t stay at home and not go to school cause my mom will nag. so i resorted to loitering. this is like a rebellious stage that’s long overdue. not going school, not going home. the worst thing about this is that there is no friends to loiter with at this age. gosh. that sounded old already. what’s happening?

第105号

okay there are SO many things in life i thought wrong.

what else are there?

come on.

amaze me.